My Costume, My Self

Dear Blog Post,

Sometimes being me feels like living a cliché. 

I’m tired all the time.
I feel guilty when I’m away from home. And then daunted by all that must be done when I’m there.
I’ve gained weight that I have no time to work on losing. 
Or if there is time, I don’t have the energy.
Then, when I have the energy, it seems there’s always a better use for it than exercise — do the laundry instead, I say. Or make tomorrow’s school lunch.

Oh, also :

I live on a suburban block; parallel rows of neat houses. It’s autumn, so leaves scuttle down our street with a soft rustle when the wind blows.
We have a porch light, and a pantry full of snacks. 
A nuclear family with mom, dad, two kids (no dog).

I mean, it’s the stuff of “leaning in”, and/or falling off, depending on the day.
Either way, we’ve heard this story already, no?

I’m not sure I have anything to say about parenting, or motherhood, or working parental motherhood, that someone hasn’t written about before. 
Whether I pen a hard hitting literary essay, or a fluffy couple of paragraphs about hiding veggies in the spaghetti sauce, it feels like just another voice in the chorus.

These are the thoughts that flit about in my brain when Scott asks me if I’ve written my blog entry. I think, No, because see above. 

But then : 

We put on the Halloween costumes. 
Wes, a T-Rex. Judah, Catboy of PJ Masks.
We bought them at the Halloween pop-up on Route 3. 
Don’t let the term pop-up mislead you. It was a 2-story All Hallow’s Eve haven, and they picked their own costumes after running amok for 10 minutes or so.

We brought the costumes home and stuck both in the shed out back. 
We feared that too much to-do about them would cause, (a) days of obsessing about the costumes, leaving each boy so emotionally drained that they’d hate the damn things by the time Halloween arrived, or (b) each wanting the other’s costume, leading to a deadly standoff and the cancellation of Halloween altogether.

So, the shed is where T-Rex and Catboy waited for the big day, which was yesterday.

The school told us to send them to school in the costumes because there was to be a parade early, and candy. We did as we were told.

I’ve seen the kids happy before, but, this was a little different.

When they went to the mirror to see the costumes, they didn’t jump around or shout, not at first. For a few long seconds, they only stood there together, smiling. Not smiling at me or Scott, but honestly, just smiling at themselves.

With wonder, with glee, so pleased. Eyes bright, unwavering and wide.

What it must be like, to look in the mirror and find your own favorite reflected back! I don’t believe either was thinking of it as wearing a costume, but more like, finally, an outward expression of how they already feel on the inside. A powerful dinosaur, and a boy with superpowers.

I will not forget it soon.

Now, I know that Catboy and T-Rex for Halloween are, really, basic with a capital B. As is a mom talking about the joy in her kids’ eyes, and the warm glow I got from seeing Wes and Judah each love himself unabashedly.

But hey, I told you already, my life is a cliché.